My Dad (bloggie # 7)

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. - I Corinthians 13:4-8

mood: hopeful
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hiii. umm today i'm writing about what's going on in my life. you'll see what i mean:


So it's October 9th. And the phone rings at 10:30. The caller id shows its my uncle and i answer. but he seems colder than he usually is with me. "i need to tlak to your father" "um hes asleep right now" theres a pause. "well ur going to need to wake him up for this". i run to my parents room and open the door. my mom looks at me with tired, angry eyes. "what's going on?" "it's uncle carl, for dad". my mom understands instantly and grabs the phone while she wakes up my dad. i leave as fast as possible so i wont have to hear anymore. but i already no wat happened. grandpa's dead....And this is when it all begins.

My grandpa died of cancer in his pancreas. We had known about it adn knew that it was very likely gonig to get the best of him. But we didnt realize it would happen so fast. Everyone was hurting for a while. My dad was most upset and i was constantly beating myself up inside for never getting to say goodbye or getting to tell him i loved him one last time. I was always playing scenes over again in my head from the funeral. and my grandma's house jsut felt empty and wrong. it didnt seem like he could actually be gone forever.

The day we got back from his funeral my dad was sick. We didnt know what it was but we knew something was wrong. The scariest part was when my dad got one of the symptoms my grandpa had. When my grandpa was still alive his skin had started to turn very yellow. This was because bile wasnt leaving his body properly. So it built up and made him yellow. My dad started to look like this. We were scared as hell. There was one night where my parents didnt know i was down stairs. I could hear them talking in the next room over. and my dad says to my mom "i dont like this. i feel like i'm going through what i jsut watched my father go through" I could hear his voice shake as he said it. i cried. i was not doing to lose my dad to this too. it was just not going to happen. i was convinced that it had to be soemthing else.

So for a while things seemed to get better. My dad felt a little better and we were never given bad news. So everyone kind of relaxed a little.

One day my mom calls my brother down from upstairs. And she tells me i have to get off the computer now. so i do. me and my bro sit in the living room with my dad and my mom sits down. silence. Now i'm scared, we've never had a family meeting before.

so my mom starts. she tells us that dad had been going to the doctors a lot lately. and they finally got the results. she says that the reason by dad had gotten so yellow was because his pancreas was pushing on watever it is that holds bile. and his pancreas was doing this because it had a growth in it. which was in the doctors minds, most definately cancer. my stomach drops. my brother and i look quickly over at my dad and then look away. My mom tells us that my dad is much younger than my grandpa was so he has a much better chance of beating it. she says hes going to fight it as best he can adn that hes gonna take chemo to help it go away. my mom stops in the middle of her next sentence and starts crying. and before i know it i'm bawling too. my dad finishes for her. he says hes not going down without a fight and he does not intend to lose it either. and he tells us that just in case, we're the best things hes ever done. Cue the next set of tears. i look up at my dad and hes crying. i could feel my heart being torn out of my chest. i had never seen my dad cry b4. it hurt. i look over at my brother who looks extremely upset but is the most composed out of all of us. my mom asks him if he wants a hug and when he says yes, another new set of tears. my dad hugs me to him and i cry into his shirt. we jsut stay like this for what feels like the longest time.

and this is only the beginning...


all for now, eyes hurt from crying

- this_blue_october