My Dad (bloggie # 7)

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. - I Corinthians 13:4-8

mood: hopeful
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hiii. umm today i'm writing about what's going on in my life. you'll see what i mean:


So it's October 9th. And the phone rings at 10:30. The caller id shows its my uncle and i answer. but he seems colder than he usually is with me. "i need to tlak to your father" "um hes asleep right now" theres a pause. "well ur going to need to wake him up for this". i run to my parents room and open the door. my mom looks at me with tired, angry eyes. "what's going on?" "it's uncle carl, for dad". my mom understands instantly and grabs the phone while she wakes up my dad. i leave as fast as possible so i wont have to hear anymore. but i already no wat happened. grandpa's dead....And this is when it all begins.

My grandpa died of cancer in his pancreas. We had known about it adn knew that it was very likely gonig to get the best of him. But we didnt realize it would happen so fast. Everyone was hurting for a while. My dad was most upset and i was constantly beating myself up inside for never getting to say goodbye or getting to tell him i loved him one last time. I was always playing scenes over again in my head from the funeral. and my grandma's house jsut felt empty and wrong. it didnt seem like he could actually be gone forever.

The day we got back from his funeral my dad was sick. We didnt know what it was but we knew something was wrong. The scariest part was when my dad got one of the symptoms my grandpa had. When my grandpa was still alive his skin had started to turn very yellow. This was because bile wasnt leaving his body properly. So it built up and made him yellow. My dad started to look like this. We were scared as hell. There was one night where my parents didnt know i was down stairs. I could hear them talking in the next room over. and my dad says to my mom "i dont like this. i feel like i'm going through what i jsut watched my father go through" I could hear his voice shake as he said it. i cried. i was not doing to lose my dad to this too. it was just not going to happen. i was convinced that it had to be soemthing else.

So for a while things seemed to get better. My dad felt a little better and we were never given bad news. So everyone kind of relaxed a little.

One day my mom calls my brother down from upstairs. And she tells me i have to get off the computer now. so i do. me and my bro sit in the living room with my dad and my mom sits down. silence. Now i'm scared, we've never had a family meeting before.

so my mom starts. she tells us that dad had been going to the doctors a lot lately. and they finally got the results. she says that the reason by dad had gotten so yellow was because his pancreas was pushing on watever it is that holds bile. and his pancreas was doing this because it had a growth in it. which was in the doctors minds, most definately cancer. my stomach drops. my brother and i look quickly over at my dad and then look away. My mom tells us that my dad is much younger than my grandpa was so he has a much better chance of beating it. she says hes going to fight it as best he can adn that hes gonna take chemo to help it go away. my mom stops in the middle of her next sentence and starts crying. and before i know it i'm bawling too. my dad finishes for her. he says hes not going down without a fight and he does not intend to lose it either. and he tells us that just in case, we're the best things hes ever done. Cue the next set of tears. i look up at my dad and hes crying. i could feel my heart being torn out of my chest. i had never seen my dad cry b4. it hurt. i look over at my brother who looks extremely upset but is the most composed out of all of us. my mom asks him if he wants a hug and when he says yes, another new set of tears. my dad hugs me to him and i cry into his shirt. we jsut stay like this for what feels like the longest time.

and this is only the beginning...


all for now, eyes hurt from crying

- this_blue_october

About Him (Bloggie # uhhh 6??)

" That Love is all there is, Is all we know of Love." - Emily Dickinson
mood: tired
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So "ryan" got suspended from school. Five days. just greaat lol. hes got 3 down, and they decided to cut him some slack so only 1 left. i miss him tho. havent seen him in a week. never woulda guessed i'd miss him so much. i cant wait for him to come back and to be able to see him again.

so yeshhh the other day i'm talking to him on the phone and he asks me if i ever talk to my friends about him. so i say yeah and he asks me what i say about him. and me beign brain dead after 8 every night i couldnt remember much. soo i thought i'd right it down here. so here goes:

my friends ask me wat i like most about him. and of course i cant pick jsut one thing so here's my little list. its not really in a certain order:

- his smile
- he's so fun to be around

- he's so honest

- he always makes time for me

- hes got the coolest personality

- he's not afraid to jsut be himself

- he knows what he wants outta life

- he makes me think about him all the time

- he listens to me talk about everything even when i know he doesnt really care about some of the things

- he's like the only person i know who can make me go from crying to laughing

- he's not afraid of PDA in front of his friends

- he puts up with me when i get really annoying =P

- whenever i'm with him i feel so comfy

- he loves to mess around with people

- hes like drop dead gorgeous

- i can ask him anything and he'll always tell me

- whenever he touches me its like magic

- he stays with me on the phone for hours even if we're both not talking

- the way his eyes light up when he smiles

- his voice

- he lets me tease him

- hes super patient with me

- i drive him crazy but he hasnt given up on me yet

- he knows he's hott but he doesnt flaunt it

- he makes my heart go a thousand miles an hour

- he knows who he really is

- whenever hes there he just makes everything better

- ....did i say gorgeous already?

- he helps me with a lot of problems that i have

aghhh i gotta go, but i'm not done. there will be moreee

all for now

-this_blue_october

Writing about him even though he's gonna read it (bloggie # 5)

"The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of." - Blaise Pascal
mood: relaxed
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okie sooo, writing bout this moment me and "ryan" had. =] this was wednesday night
*flash back*

so it's me, him, and one of our friends. and we're at church and we're going out this back exit in this longish dark hallway. The only light coming in is from the two doors, one on each end of the hallway. so our friend walks out one of the doors and goes outside. so its jsut me and him in the hallway. and he goes "wait up i gotta put my jacket on" so he pulls his jacket on and looks at me and he goes "lets just stay here for a little while". my heart starts going a thousand miles an hour and i'm like "ok!"lol. so i'm looking out the door and he comes up behind me and hugs me. so i'm looking out the little window thingy in the door and hes like swaying me back and forth and we're trying to spot my mom's car. and after a little he lets go and stands in the corner. so i look over and hes smiling and i swear it was perfect, the way the light was hitting him from the window im like "dammnn this kid is gorgeous" in my head. he looked amazing. i keep thinknig bout the way he looked there. but anzways so i go over to him and he wraps his arms around me and i rest my head back on his chest. and we're just like this for a little. so he leans over and kisses my neck and my heart like jumps through my chest. right then i'm like so friggin happy lol. i'm freaking out in a good way and my heart's skipping beats. i wanted to stay like that forever. it was perfect, totally perfect.

it was the best, damn i am so lucky to have him. =]


all for todayy


-this_blue_october

i hate literacy (bloggie # 4)

hey peoples

"Whoso loves, believes the impossible." - Elizabeth Barret Browning
mood: dirty *waggles eyebrows* jk lol
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Ew so tell me how our literacy teacher is making us make new years resolutions. And not only do me have to come up with one and write a plan for it, but shes actually making us do it. we have to keep a journal to record our progress and shes gonna keep track of it. >= I am obviously not a happy person right now. Blehh and then of course i'm the only one who cant come up with a resolution. So all my friends are trying to help me and this is what i get: lose weight *they look me up and down* nevermind lol, play less video games, join a club (ah if only i wasnt lazy) and get out more....i am loving my friend for that one right now lol. I hate resolutions tho. if i'm not even going to attempt to keep it, why make it? but yeah so i had to come up with something. so i picked not watching tv as much...haha yeah right. i hate this dumb project. maybe i'm happy enuff with my self already. Right now Matt's reading this going omg i cant believe she wont shut up about this lol. and just for u ----> _ underscore aaaaannnd / backslash.

enuff of my complaining for now

more soon... dun dun dun....dunn!!!

-this_blue_october

Poem for him (Bloggie # 3)

hiyas!

"Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much a heart can hold." - Zelda Fitzgerald
mood: missing him
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okie so today i really didnt have something to write about so i thought i'd show you guys one of my poems. a couple words might be off cuz i'm doing this outta memory. my boyfriend stole the real copy so srry lol. for now it doesnt have a title, any ideas??? pleaaase comment for title ideas. thanks a bunch guys! here goes:


would you look me in the eyes and call my name?
and let our fiery passion burst my heart into flame?
would you look into my soul and tell me what you see?
for this flood of emotion is drowning me

would you trace the scars and soothe the pain?
and let your love be my cleansing rain?
would your angel voice be all that i need,
to release these demons and set me free?

would you take me in your arms and hold me tight?
and whisper that you love me till everything's alright?
and would your run your fingers slowly through my hair?
and promise me that always always you'll be there

would we lose our innocence from going too far?
when really we know we've gone no where at all
would our two bodies become one as they swiftly intertwine?
and will this be what we need to finally set our souls align?


hope u liked!

-this_blue_october

Oh the drama! (bloggie #2)

hey peoples!

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile." - Franklin P. Jones
mood: mellow
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ok so i have a story for today. everyone is getting an alter ego and a name so jsut go along with me. (based on a true story but not really lol =P)

___CastList___
me = Charlotte
my almost bf= Ryan
my ex = Bob (original i know)
my almost bf's gf = Sarah

___Setting___
* A dark office on a rainy night, Ryan's sitting at his desk waiting for Charlotte*

___PLOT___

Ryan looks up as Charlotte opens the door to his office and smiles. "hey". she closes the door behind her and grabs a chair. "listen we gotta get this done already"says Charlotte. Ryan sighs, "Char you know this is hard on me and i've been trying. i'm just waiting for the right time." "Ryan," Char starts " if you dont get rid of Sarah we're gonna be screwed. We won't be able to be together. I already took care of Bob." "I know, you did your part. I'm jsut waiting for the right time for mine." "Ryan it's never gonna be the right time to kill your spouse. But it has to be done if you want to be with me," Charlotte says sounding upset. Ryan stands up and looks out the window, "i dont know babe, this is harder than it seems. People are already having suspicions about us. I've heard some nasty rumors, especially about what might have happened to Bob." Char stands up and slips her arms around Ryan. "I dont care, i'm tired of waiting. i've waited long enough." Ryan laughs a little and turns around. "alright, next sunday i promise." he smiles and kisses her lightly. Just then the door to ryan's office opens. Ryan jumps, "oh my god..." TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN A BLOGGIE NEAR YOU

Ok so keep in mind this isnt real lol its just a story based on one teeny detail.
hope it didnt suck too bad!

- this_blue_october

First Bloggie!

omg this is my first bloggie! i'm so excited. hmm where to start. ok so each blog i'ma start with my random quote of the day and my mood. so here goes

"You call it madness, but I call it love." - Don Byas
mood: perky
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ok well i dont care how lame this sounds (cuz no one besides jill is gonna read it anyway =P lol) but today i'm writing about angels. like a week ago my grandpa gave me this book called "Angel Miracles". And he really wanted me to read it. I could tell there was something special about it by the way he smiled and the look in his eyes when he gave it to me. And there had to be a reason he gave it to me, but i didnt no why becuz i wasnt like super religious and i had jsut started going back to church. but i promised him i would read it. So the other day i'm going through the book and i couldnt put it down. it made me cry. it was full of all these beautiful stories about people and their experiences with angels. and it made me stop and think. all of the sudden i felt very aware that my guardian angel was with me. and like it said in one of the stories he wasnt behind me or in front of me, but next to me. and i just felt safe. so after going thru this book i understood why my grandpa gave it to me. he gave it to someone who really needed to read it. someone who just needed to be reassured that she wasnt alone and someone who needed her eyes to be opened to God again. and i dont know how he knew i needed it, but i'm grateful for it. and i decided half way thru this book, that i too would pass the book on to someone who needed it. all i needed was to find that person. and when i do i'm going to give this book to them and ask them to do the same. becuz i think this book could bring a message of hope to a lot of people. and i think maybe that was the reason why my grandpa gave it to me.

idc how lame-o this sounds to u peeps but i wanted to talk bout it, so there it is lol.

NEXT BLOGGIE COMING SOON!

- this_blue_october